Ali Bytes: Bullet-sized strategies for modern living

As you’ve surely noticed, AliBytes couldn’t keep up with the shock and humor that came out of the last couple month’s election cycle. Every day there was something new drawing me into YouTube for hours. Combine that with trying to fit two semesters of business school into one while working, and the result is my poor, suffering blog. So to begin a new era, both for this blog and for the country, I’ll offer a final post on the election (though I’m not promising I won’t blog again about Obama).

If this The Onion video describes you a little bit or even if you find yourself on the other side, you may be interested in an election memento from Cafe Press with one of these clever slogans on it.

1. Even my llama is for Obama
2. The United States of America has B.O.
3. OMFG
4. I voted in the 2008 election and all I got was a free cup of coffee
5. I like my President like my coffee: black and strong!
6. Voting is just like driving: If you want to go backward choose “R.” If you want to go forward choose “D.”
7. Don’t tax me, bro
8. Dear Santa, Thanks but I got what I wanted on Nov. 4th!

In case participating in our democracy isn’t reason enough, here are a host of free things you can get with an “I voted” sticker on election day, November 4th. I’d like to vote Babeland the winner for the best tagline. Check your favorite local stores and restaurants for more and go vote!

1. Donuts: Some 85 Krispy Kreme’s in the U.S. (a little less than half their stores) are offering to give away an estimated 200,000 free star-shaped, red-white-and-blue sprinkled 99 cent donuts “while supplies last” (read: until probably 8am so vote early!).
2. Sex toys: If you live in New York City of Seattle, get your “Maverick” or “Silver Bullet,” apparently valued over $15, at Babeland because “voting feels good.”
3. Starbucks Coffee: “If you care enough to vote, we care enough to give you a free cup of coffee,” says Starbucks. Free 12-ounce drip coffee for anyone who votes, or actually anyone who asks whether or not you voted.
4. Ben and Jerry’s Ice cream: Though most of us will be wearing wool coats and scarves to wait in line to vote tomorrow, Ben and Jerry’s is committed to giving away free single-scoop cones until 8pm. “What better way to encourage people to be politically active than to give away free ice cream?” asks spokeswoman Liz Brenna. Hopefully caring about your future is incentive enough but hey, free ice cream helps even if I have to hold it with mittens on.
5. Chicken sandwiches: Though I couldn’t confirm it on the Chick-fil-A website, supposedly hundreds of the 1,400 Chick-fil-A stores across the country will offer free $2.70 chicken sandwiches to people who can prove they voted.

Recently, Barack asked me which of the following issues are of most concern to me.  I found it interesting what issues made the list.  What’s really important to you?

1. Government reform
2. Agriculture and farming
3. Civil liberties and privacy
4. Civil rights and voting rights
5. Crime
6. Defense and national security
7. Disabilities
8. Divisive politics and partisanship
9. Economy and taxes
10. Education
11. Election reform and campaign finance
12. Energy and transportation
13. Environment and global warming
14. Ethics and corruption
15. Faith
16. Family
17. Foreign policy
18. Health care
19. Immigration
20. Jobs and trade
21. LGBT issues
22. Poverty
23. Reproductive rights
24. Rural community issues
25. Seniors and social security
26. Technology
27. Urban community issues
28. Veteran affairs
29. War in Iraq
30. Women’s rights

This post has been baking for a while. Quite frankly, I haven’t had much to add to the (mostly) clever campaign commentary.

My gut reaction to having either the first black president or the first female vice president, as I’m a movie quote person was “Before the day is out, we shall have a wedding…or a hanging. Either way, we ought to have a lot of fun.” (From Robin Hood Men In Tights for you non-quote people). Of course I had to look it up to make sure I got it right and interestingly the next line is, “We are grossly outnumbered. So what can we do? We gotta get the villagers.” How appropriate.

Anyway, in my attempt to contribute something of value to this engaging, funny and often alarming political discourse, I’ve created a haiku collection of the best of the McCain/Palin reactions (biased and paraphrased obviously). Am I missing any good ones? Feel free to add your own.

1. If bull shit were real
   Currency, Sarah Palin
   Could bail out Wall Street
   - Kathleen Parker, September 26, 2008
2. It’s a really bad
   Disney movie…a really
   terrifying thought
   – Matt Damon, September 10, 2008
3. A vote for McCain
   Is a continuation
   Of the last eight years
   - Obama campaign ad, September 27, 2008
4. I want to be done
   playing this lady so help
   me. That would be good.
   - Tina Fey, September 22, 2008
5. Russia flys over
   My state so I have foreign
   policy know how
   - Sarah Palin, September 24, 2008
6. Are you going to
   Suspend being president
   When things get too tough?
   - David Letterman, September 24, 2008
7. A proud vagina
   American, I will vote
   For McCain this fall
   - Samantha Bee, August 29, 2008
8. McCain’s boiling
   Moralism…not suited
   To be President
   - George Will, September 23, 2008
9. There’s embarrassment
   that comes with watching someone
   do something badly
   - Rebecca Traister, September 30, 2008
10. McCain is bad for
    Republicanism, and
    Bad for the country.
    - Ann Coulter, January 31, 2008
11. Like a shiny toy
    From McDonalds, Palin is
    Pretty much useless
    - Clever coworker, September 29, 2008
12. Zero background. She
    Should have Henry Kissinger
    babysitting her
    - Ben Stein, September 3, 2008
13. Could your daughter date
    A 42 year old man
    When she’s 24?
    - Anonymous
14. If Sarah Palin
    doesn’t scare the hell out of
    you, it really should
    - Jack Cafferty, September 26, 2008
15. Palin was sold a
    subprime mortgage on a house
    she can not afford
    - Caller into Jack Cafferty’s show, September 26, 2008